Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Already Taken.
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
— Oscar Wilde*
by James Porter
I love this Oscar Wilde quote. It’s something I’ve been wanting to write about for years, but I’ve never gotten around to it until now. We all seem to want to be someone else. Every social media post we see—and every photo shared by friends and acquaintances—seems to reinforce the notion that their life is better than mine. And that can be a major source of stress.
Whether it’s the lives of celebrities ("Their lives are WAY better than mine!") or simply our next-door neighbors posting photos from another winter vacation, we often find ourselves wishing we had someone else’s life. I sometimes catch myself doing exactly that with Dr. Kelly McGonigal. She’s a stress expert, a Stanford University professor, a best-selling author, a yoga teacher, and her TED Talk, How to Make Stress Your Friend, has been viewed by millions of people.
Everything she is or has accomplished, I would like to be or accomplish. My comparisons run the gamut—from wishing I had another person’s wealth to another person’s willpower. McGonigal even wrote a terrific book called The Willpower Instinct. Naturally, I conclude she must have a lot of it. (I gained 20 pounds during the pandemic, so apparently I have none.) There I go again!
The other day a friend told me she had attended a two-day workshop with Kelly McGonigal. During the conversation she mentioned something I didn't know that reminded me why it's usually better to stick with my own life. McGonigal took up yoga to help manage a lifetime of chronic pain.
Years ago, I read an article that convinced me what a mistake it is to wish you had someone else’s life because: first, that life is never what you imagine it to be; and second, you can't cherry-pick the parts you admire while leaving the rest behind. If you want another person's life, you have to take all of it.
So, if I wanted Kelly McGonigal's life, I'd have to accept the chronic pain as well. If I wanted Steve Jobs' life—which I definitely did for many years—I would also have to accept dying at the age of 56.
We can only live our own lives, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can arrive at a place of peace. Practicing mindfulness, gratitude, and self-compassion are three time-honored ways to help us get there.
Mindfulness helps us recognize the role our ego plays in making these unfavorable comparisons. It teaches us that our thoughts are not who we are. Instead, we can step back and observe them more objectively, allowing us to focus on what is truly important to us, rather than what appears important through someone else's carefully curated life.
That perspective matters because our inner critic usually expects us to be successful all the time, leaving no room for mistakes, setbacks, or simply being human.
Mindfulness also teaches a technique psychologists call distancing. Rather than believing every critical thought, we learn to observe it. If you hear yourself thinking, "I'm a terrible parent," mindfulness reminds you that this is simply a thought—not an objective fact. That small shift creates space for self-compassion, a skill beautifully described in Kristin Neff's book Self-Compassion.
The next time you catch yourself wishing you were somebody else, remember that you can never know the full story. Oscar Wilde himself lived what many would have considered an extraordinary life, yet beneath the surface he carried burdens few people understood.
Movie star Daryl Hannah was once romantically involved with John F. Kennedy Jr., who seemed to have everything—wealth, good looks, fame, and unlimited opportunity. Yet he and his wife, Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, both died tragically in a plane crash. Looking back, few people would choose to trade places with either of them.
The same lesson applies to Kate Spade, Robin Williams, George Eastman, and Anthony Bourdain. Each lived lives that millions admired from the outside, yet each struggled with pain that ultimately led to suicide.
The point isn't that successful or famous people are unhappy. Many are not. The point is much simpler: every life comes with joys and burdens that outsiders rarely see.
So perhaps Oscar Wilde was right after all.
Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.
Erica Tuminski
Author